THE FOLLOWING ADVICE IS ADDRESSED TO THE NEXT OF KIN, RELATIVES AND FRIENDS OF ………………….

IN A SHORT WHILE, THE ABOVE MENTIONED AIRMAN WILL BE RETURNING INTO YOUR MIDST DEHYDRATED AND DEMORALISED, BUT DELIGHTED ONCE MORE TO TAKE HIS PLACE IN A CIVILISED SOCIETY, ENJOYING PEACE, FREEDOM, JUSTICE, AND AFFORDING HIM THE OPPORTUNITY OF A SOMEWHAT UNINTERRUPTED PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS.

SINCE FLIGHT DATES ARE NEVER TOO CERTAIN, THE FOLLOWING MEASURES ARE RECOMMENDED WELL IN ADVANCE

(A)              RECOVER ALL HIS CIVILIAN CLOTHES FROM PAWN

(B)              LAY IN LARGE QUANTITIES OF DRAUGHT BEER

(C)              LOCK YOUR DAUGHTERS IN THEIR ROOMS

DURING THE PROTRACTED PERIOD OF REHABILITATION WHICH IS TO FOLLOW, IT WILL BE ESSENTIAL TO CONSIDER THE ENVIRONMENT WHICH HAS BEEN HIS UNFORTUNATE LOT FOR THE PAST NINE MONTHS.

IT MAY APPEAR THAT HIS HABITS AND MANNER TEND TOWARDS THE ASIATIC, DO NOT BE ALARMED BY THIS, FOR IT WILL BE CORRECTED BY THE PASSAGE OF TIME. TO EMPHASISE THAT HE IS ONCE AGAIN ONE FO THE FAMILY, SHOW NO SURPRISE SHOULD HE PREFER TO SIT ON HIS HAUNCHES RATHER THAT A CHAIR, INSIST ON REMOVING HIS SHOES BEFORE ENTERING THE HOUSE, CALL LOUDLY FOR A CHARLIE OR THROW A FIT AT THE SIGHT OF A COCONUT OR SMELL OF CURRY.

IN THE EARLY DAYS, EXPRESS NO HORROR WOULD YOU FIND HIM SLEEPING ABOUT THE PLACE ENTIRELY NUDE OF GOING OFF TO VISIT NEIGHBOURS WEARING ONLY A TOWEL, AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN HE THROWS HIS BED AND BEDDING OUT OF THE WINDOW INTO THE GARDEN HE IS MERELY TAKING PRECAUTIONS AGAINST THE DREADED BED BUG. SHOW NO ALARM, IF, EARLY IN THE MORNING YOU SEE HIM DASHING INTO THE RAIN FOR A QUICK SHOWER. IN FACT, FLIP-FLOPS AND A TOWEL WILL BE HIS PREFERENCE FOR CASUAL WEAR. INTRODUCE HIM GENTLY TO SOCKS AND SHOES, TROUSERS, TIES, SHIRTS AND JACKETS. YOU MAY FIND THE CLIMATE WILL ASSIST YOU IN HIS RECOVERY TOT HE REQUIREMENTS OF MODERN SOCIETY.

DO NOT BE SURPRISED SHOULD YOU FIND HIM IN A TRANCE-LIKE STATE STANDING RIGIDLY TO ATTENTION ON THE FRONT LAWN LEAD HIM GENTLY BACK INTO THE HOUSE MURMURING COMFORTING WORDS SUCH AS “ITS ALRIGHT DEAR, DADDY DOES NOT WANT A PARADE THIS MORNING”. EXPECT HIM TO GREET THE POSTMAN LIKE A LOVER, AND DO NOT BE PERTURBED IF HE RUNS INTO THE STREET AT THE SOUND OF AIRCRAFT YELLING SOMETHING LIKE “MAILAVING” OR “GOHOMEBLOODYMOONIES”. IT’S JUST HIS LITTLE JOKE. HIS LANGUAGE MAY AT FIRST BE RATHER EMBARRASSING, AND MAY INCLUDE WORDS AND PHRASES WHICH ARE UNKNOWN TO YOU, BUT A LITTLE PATIENCE AND HE CAN BE TAUGHT TO SPEAK GOOD, PLAIN, IF A LITTLE LESS PICTURESQUE, ENGLISH AGAIN.

REFRAIN FROM ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS LIFE ON GAN, OR FROM

ADVANCING SUCH QUERIES AS WHY THE BOY DOWN THE ROAD IS ONE RANK HIGHER THAN HIM. THIS MAY UNDO ANY GOOD ALREADY DONE TO HIS RECOVERY, AND WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY LEAD TO HIM SHOWERING THE OFFENDING YOUTHS ROOFTOP WITH BEER CANS.

ALTHOUGH HIS PALATE AND STOMACH LINING WILL HAVE BEEN DEADENED BY HIS GAN FOOD, SO THAT HE MAY BE FED ON PRACTICALLY ANYTHING, IT WILL BE AS WELL TO AVOID RICH OR OVER FRESH FOODS FOR SOME TIME. FRESH MILD FOR INSTANCE SHOULD BE DILUTED TO A WEAK SOLUTION, AND FISH WILL BE AN UNMENTIONABLE WORD FOR POSSIBLY MONTHS. TRY NOT TO DESPAIR WHEN YOU FIND THAT HE HAS THROWN ALL THE FOOD OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND FILLED IT WITH WHISKEY, RUM, BEER, COKES AND EVEN BOTTLES OF ORDINARY TAP WATER, HE IS SURE HE IS BEING HELPFUL.

BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN TAKING HIM TO TEA WITH MAIDEN AUNTS, HE WILL BE INCLINED TO EXAMINE EVERYTHING CLOSELY BEFORE EATING, POSSIBLY HOLDING THINGS UP TO THE LIGHT FOR A MORE DETAILED INSPECTION. NEVER MAKE THE MISTAKE OF ASKING HIM WHAT HE IS LOOKING FOR, IT WOULD BE BAD ENOUGH FOR YOUR HOSTESS TO BE OFFENDED BY BEING TOLD HE WAS LOOKING FOR A PARTICULAR KIND OF BEETLE, AND HE MAY ALSO GIVE IT HIS PET NAME WHICH WOULD ALSO BE EMBARRASSING. GENTLY WOO HIM AWAY FROM HIS HABIT OF HOLDING HIS KNIFE AS THOUGH IT WERE A DAGGER, BY POINTING OUT THAT EVERYTHING ON HIS PLATE FROM NOW ON WILL ALREADY BE DEAD. TAKE NO NOTICE IF AT THE END OF A MEAL, HE GOES TO THE DOOR AND THROWS HALF A CUT OF COFFEE OVER THE FRONT LAWN.

YOU WILL NEED TO BE ESPECIALLY ON YOUR GUARD WHENEVER HE MAY BE IN THE COMPANY OF WOMAN, ANY WOMAN, BUT PARTICULARLY YOUNG AND ATTRACTIVE ONES. ALL HE HAS SEEN OF THEM DURING THE PAST NINE MONTHS IS A SUCCESSION OF BEAUTIFUL FILM STARS BEING WOOED AND SEDUCED ON THE SCREEN OF THE ASTRA CINEMA. HAVING MADE SUCH A SERIOUS AND REGULAR STUDY, HE NOW IMAGINES HIMSELF TO BE A MASTER OF THIS GENTLE ART AND ONLY NEED PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE TO FULFIL HIS FONDEST DREAMS. HIS INTENTIONS ARE PERFECTLY SINCERE, BUT QUITE DISHONOURABLE.

HE HAS NOT ULTERIOR MOTIVE IN GOING OFF THE CINEMA WITH A COUPLE OF BOTTLES OF BEER AND A FEW CHEESE AND ONION ROLLS, IT HAS BEEN HIS REGULAR PRACTICE HERE. IT MAY EXCITE SOME COMMENTs WHEN HE CUPS HIS HANDS TO HIS MOUTH DURING FILMS AND SHOUTS “SEEN IT” “SMOOTHIE”, “UP YOUR NOSE”, BUT THESE ARE ONLY APPRECIATIVE EXPRESSIONS HE KNOWS IN THE WORLD OF CINEMA.

DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO GO SHOPPING ALONE FOR SOMETIME, AS THE LOCAL STOREKEEPERS UNACCUSTOMED TO BEING BEATEN DOWN TO HALF THEIR NORMAL RETAIL PRICE, MAY MISINTERPRET HIS HAGGLING GESTURES AS A PRELUDE TO PHYSICAL VIOLENCE. SHOULD THIS OCCUR, LEAD HIM GENTLY AWAY, AT THE SAME TIME EXPLAINING TO THE STOREKEEPER THAT THE REFERENCE TO HIM AS A DIRTY, ROBBING, BLACK ENAMELLED B------ WAS NOT INTENDED AS A REFLECTION ON HIS OWN PERSONAL CHARACTER. DESPITE THESE SEEMINGLY LIMITLESS BARRIERS TO SUCCESSFUL REHABILITATION, BENEATH THIS RUGGED AND TANNED EXTERIOR THERE BEATS A HEART OF GOLD.

TREASURE THIS, TREAT HIM WITH KINDNESS, TOLERANCE AND ABOUT TEN PINTS OF ALCOHOLIC SUSTENANCE DAILY, AND YOU WILL FIND THAT OUT OF THIS HOLLOW SHELL WILL RISE THE MAN YOU ONCE KNEW.

I TRUST YOU WILL SOON BE HAPPY HAVING HIM AGAIN

SIGNED          E SOUTHWICK FLTLT

REHABILITATION OFFICER

ROYAL AIR FORCE GAN

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